Once upon a time there was a boy. He had a dog. His dog was an asshole that shat everywhere and peed on the boy’s shoes. This dog was a total cunt of a dog.
This is his story.
This asshole keeps calling me Carl. My name is not Carl, my name is William, not Bill, not Willie, WILLIAM. Who the hell names a dog Carl anyway? An idiot, that’s who.
How about YOU fetch the fucking ball? You threw goddamn thing.
I’m eight years old. That’s doggy AARP age. Let’s see if you can keep your farts in when you’re my age, asshole.
I hate this guy. I’ve lived with him two years now. My last roommate was a lovely lady who made me feel like a man and LET ME KEEP MY FUCKING BALLS! Occasionally she’d let me have a night out to sniff some ass and do dog things. Sure, sometimes I took things too far and she’d have to come bail me out, but she was always cool about it. Not like this asshole.
This asshole won’t let me scratch myself without dipping in a fucking flea bath. Ever heard of doggy psoriasis, asshole? I don’t care that it’s gotten better since I moved in with you, if I have to keep eating that cardboard flavored, gluten free, no corn-byproducts, crap you call dog food I am going to move in with that Mexican family across the hall! I don’t know what KAR-NAY is, but it smells like something I should put in my mouth!
You know what’s really sad about this asshole? He still lives with his parents. Yeah, I moved out when I was two months old. Slacker. This asshole leaves me home all day to go to school. Do I get to go to school? NOPE! Maybe I wanna learn shit! You ever think of that, asshole? But I’m supposed to be all excited when you get home? I was in the middle of a nap, asshole!
Lately the asshole’s been staying home in bed sick or something. Lazy if you ask me. He doesn’t even bother taking me out on walks and his parents can’t be bothered until they realize I’ve already shit on their floor. Then it’s all, “fucking Carl!”
It’s WILLIAM!
And at least I have the courtesy to shit on the tile instead of the carpet!
Anyway, the dude parent came and let me out today and the asshole was gone. I figured he was back in school but dude parent told me the asshole wasn’t with us anymore. Well where the fuck did he go?
I don’t know what the fuck a funeral is, but when you guys get back here somebody owes me a fresh bowl of that crap you call food.
I told you he was a cunt of a dog.
