An Expletive Filled Diatribe About… Dogs

I cannot emphasize this enough.

We all know those people, you know the ones I’m talking about: dogs are so much better than people… bllllaaaaaahjjjkkllkkadsd

I mean, that’s what it sounds like once they get to the people part of that sentence. 

Look, I fucking love dogs – mine especially. I mean, he has his own damn Facebook page for chrissake. Sure, that’s as much about my need for validation through social media acknowledgement, but … we’re getting off track here! 

Dogs aren’t better than people, they aren’t worse than people. You know why? They aren’t people. They’re dogs.

They love like dogs. In Dexter’s case (see FB page above) that means barking his dick off to save my life from my little lesbian neighbors when they come home from a long day of, you know, lesbian nefariousness or some shit. In my wife’s case it means jumping on her lap and burping right into her face after every meal. 

Asshole moves, both. 

But when they look at me with those puppy eyes I just know that their souls are full of love balksfjoaiywrhlakjsdhflakjsdgf .

Vomit. 

Dude, you are being manipulated. Duped. Played. That’s not me, that’s just science. Why do you think men are called dogs? We do the same fucking shit. But we’re not (all) furry with an inclination to sniff our own ass so it is somehow not as adorable when we do it? 

Ever try to eat with a dog in the house? The little assholes will literally go and play Sarah Mc-fucking-laughlin on the soundbar at 11 whilst they pull that puppy eye bullshit. All with a full fucking bowl of food that costs more and would be better for you than your bullshit tacos. Ungrateful little fucks. 

But if you DO give little Cerberus a scrap be prepared for those shitty little shenanigans to continue for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Then prepare for a fat little fucker with health problems you likely caused. There are too many resources for me to attach here, suffice to say feeding your dog all kinds of people food increase risks for things like doggie diabeetus, cancers of all sorts, and general tubby-ness which can cause undo pain on joints and shit.  

My best fried literally cannot watch any show with any animal ever or her seven pounds of Cujo will lose his shit. She can’t make him stop. Whenever I visit that little spawn of satan tries that shit and I chase him back into his kennel and we get to watch tv like adults while he makes some weird little dick choking noises. Fuck him. 

Dexter is one part asshole, one part drama queen, one teeny, tiny part adorable as fuck, one even smaller part vicious killer of critters and chaser of bears. Mostly the asshole and drama queen parts.

I stopped taking sand spurs out of his paws when we go for walks. Because fuck him, too. The last time I tried, he cried so loud people looked at me like I was beating him. Then when I got it out of his paw, he ran away and when I finally got to him he flopped onto his back (yes, I am aware that’s him being a submissive bitch) and got smothered in them. So, yeah, fuck him. He has since learned to walk on two little legs when the need arises.

And don’t @ me with your whining about your dog. Your dog’s a little cunt too.

If I have learned anything about dogs in this lifetime of owning them it is that they come in as many personalities are there are dogs. And a lot of times that personality type is asshole. That’s really all I’m trying to say.

Now excuse me while I go dance around like a fucking weirdo with my dog to songs I make up all about him.

Copyright 2022 Rudy Martinez
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