Merry Whatever

It’s Christmas so I guess we should talk about that. 

*Deep breath* 

Okay, I have always been that guy. You know the guy: Mr. IHATECHRISTMAS. 

When I would reach back into the memory bank the last truly great Christmas I could remember was back around 1982 or maybe ’83. I don’t remember exactly which year it was that I got my Atari console. I just remember that it was the last one me and all my siblings had while living under the same roof. 

I guess there was the one a few years later in Big Bear with Uncle Charlie, but that was bitter sweet because by then we knew Uncle Charlie was dying. 

And then there were report cards. Jesus H. Roosevelt why was Christmas time always report card time? 

So when I graduated and moved out I was cool with blowing off Christmas. It was just another day. Actually two. If I was dating someone I did the obligatory crap, but I really just wanted to get it over with and get back to doing nothing. 

Yeah, fucking Grinch this guy. 

Then I married a woman who loves this ungodly holiday. Words like Christmas tradition and Aunt Rachel’s manger scene and love stories about how Aunt Rachel was given the manger by her husband, and… well, you get the idea. 

So over the years I’ve tried – sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much – to get into this Christmas thing. I hate the obligatory gift crap. More than that, I hate having to tell people what I want. 

Fucking surprise me. 

I love surprises. 

And Eggnog. 

And Donna Reed. 

A week or so ago while my wife slept in I put on some Christmas music. The day before her gift arrived. No, I am not telling you what I got her. And I thought, I think I got her something she isn’t expecting but will really like

And then cards started showing up. Then I realized who I didn’t get cards from this year and suddenly I wasn’t actively hating getting Christmas cards, I was actively missing seeing them from people. 

I should really talk to TGB about sending cards next year. 

Who the hell is in my head?

But between you and me dear reader… I kind of like this feeling. 

Ugh, gross, I know! But I do. 

I want to DVR all the gooey holiday commercials. And I am already thinking about what I want to get TGB next year. And whether we’ll be those annoying people who send cards featuring our obnoxiously cute dog. And all the crap I need to get my nieces and nephews. And a new tree topper. 


Who the hell am I becoming?!?!

Maybe we should invest in a golf cart so we can decorate it for next year’s Christmas parade. 

Seriously, I need help. 

Merry Christmas or whatever you celebrate. I hope you get that thing that melts your heart this year. 


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