Thoughts after another suicide

It’s a weird thing, suicide.

It’s like you decide, okay, this is where my story ends. And then the rest of the world you built gets to clean up the mess.

There’s always a question of why and what could we have done to stop it. But that thought always seems to come after. 

But what about now? Like, while I am alive. What can I do to stop you from thinking, I must be going now?

How do I make it clear to you that my life is richer simply by having you in it? And is that even enough?

Is it enough to tell you that if I get that call tomorrow morning I will crumble into a million pieces?

Do I need to scream at the top of my lungs that I not only love you but, I fucking need you?


If I quote your favorite movies or songs or books, will you stay another day?

I’m not a doctor but, if I could I would heal all the broken bits inside of you. If I had to carry that burden for you, I would.

I don’t want to wait til after you’re gone to wonder what I could have done to keep you here.

I need to know now so I can hold onto your light for as long as possible.

Because that is what you are, a light in my sometimes dark as fuck world. You have helped guide me, kept me smiling, made me laugh, made me simply glad to still be alive.

I love you.

Have a nice day.

Copyright 2022 Rudy Martinez
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