I’d spent the morning in her recovery room. After two weeks she was finally moved out of the ICU and into a regular room. The rarity of Americans contracting malaria had thrown the hospital for a massive loop. The relief at her being moved out of the ICU set me floating all the way to the hospital. She was fine aside from a light cough.
I was covetous of every second I got to spend with her alone that morning. I breathed her in… she smelled of sterile hospital and Jen. I kissed her, I made her laugh, I talked about what comes next for us. She listened. She smiled a lot. She said not much. She took the back of my head into her hand every time I kissed her, her fingers dancing with my hair. As I pulled away her hand would slide across the side of my face.
Her family showed up. Her best friend, Eve showed up. Everyone wanted their time with her. I thought the best thing, the only fair thing, was to leave her so they could each get alone time with their child and best friend. Our fingers were entwined as visitors gathered around and leaned in for hugs and pecks on the cheek. They stayed that way.
After all the hellos and hugs I said, Imma go have lunch with my dad. I’ll be back in a few hours. Her fingers wrapped tighter. She didn’t say anything. She just tightened her fingers around mine. What? I’ve had you all to myself for hours and your family wants to spend time with you. She said nothing. She just looked at me. It felt like she was studying my face, trying to notice every stubble, every line. It felt like she was trying to get me to stay. I promise I will be back in just a little while, just enjoy your family. I kissed her goodbye, her fingers in my hair. I pulled away, but she didn’t let go easily. I thought it was weird.
She’s fine. She’s coming home in a few days. I told myself.
I had lunch with my dad. He was so fucking happy that I was so happy. He was relieved for his son. Later that day I almost skipped into the hospital.
I got to her room, only it wasn’t her room anymore. I asked the nurse manning the nurse station where she was and was informed that they’d moved her back into ICU.
It was just a light cough.
It turned out that light cough was the beginnings of Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Yeah, that same thing that killed so many 1Covid patients.
In my lifetime I have loved to talk a lot of shit about living with no regrets, but that’s all bullshit. I have regrets. Huge regrets. Leaving Jen’s room that day has always ranked near the top as one of the biggest in a lifetime full of them. She wanted me to stay. I knew that she wanted me to stay, but I took it for granted that she would be fine. It wouldn’t have changed the end result, but, I dunno. Maybe we could have said goodbye. Maybe I could have had one of those glorious moments you see in the movies where I run out and yell for a fucking doctor and that doctor comes into her room and performs a miracle.
Or maybe I would have just had a few more hours with her and one less regret in a lifetime full of them.
